I always told myself I would never be one to post a picture as such on Instagram.
I saw images like this and scrolled right on past. I am a private person and thought I could never share these kinda moments, but I began to see how those who did share their struggles so openly, in doing so were helping others (me included – apparently).
Deep down, I was simply battling my own inability to be fully open and vulnerable.
I still felt pretty reluctant, all the way up until earlier today. Some blue thoughts and a heavy side of panic blind-sided me with a sucker-punch while I was finishing my lunch. They said ‘what’s-up’ right in the middle of a very normal day.
I became upset with the smallest of things, I couldn’t focus on my tasks, I wanted to be alone but couldn’t settle myself – I soon enough burst into tears. Which tends to happen in a total frustration as I try a million ways to clear the storm before it comes.
So, I sat in the bathroom and cried in the middle of the afternoon.
In a bid to distract myself I scrolled down my home feed, I saw smiles, bright colours and the fun times people were having. I saw what we ALL see when we see small squares of a colourfully filtered moment captured in an others life.
But we don’t see tears or runny noses.
We don’t see the 5 (10) pictures it takes to get a good one in that new dress or the times we stand in the mirror bending and squishing – wondering if we are good enough.
We don’t often see loss, or panic.
We don’t see silent battles.
We don’t see quiet strength maintained through bad days.
The list goes on, I am sure you know.
We see perfectionism. Because we see such perfectionism all the time – we think that DAMN we MUST be the only one crying in the afternoon because the world seems heavy and you can’t help but feel guilty and anxious.
But truth be told, we are all figuring life out – one tearful or joyful day at a time!
For every crappy moment, kick it straight in the butt and think of the times you have experienced which make normals days – very good days indeed.
The stranger that smiled at you on a bad day, dancing in the kitchen, that perfect coffee, your favourite breakfast pancakes, belly laughs, warm hugs with loved ones and kind re-assuring words spoken when needed the most.
I hope that if the world gets you down in 2020, you don’t get frustrated at breaking a ‘new year new me’ promise. Take each day as it comes, decide ‘new day, better me!’. You can build new habits, new goals and new ways of thinking each and every day. And if no one told you today, you are a baddass. Let us be kinder, judge less and love more. We are all going through things, we are all trying to heal – however big or small.
In the words of the sweet man of mine, whose love and support I am endlessly grateful for said: “Remind yourself what you are grateful for (and drink some of my Kombucha it will fix everything)”, which could only make me cry tears of laughter not sadness.
I urge you, to surround yourself with good people.
And lastly, the wise Brene Brown once said: “Staying vulnerable is a risk we have to take if we want to experience connection.”
Lots of love.