I have typed and untyped half a dozen sentences trying to open this post, I have decided that some things are better just starting.
Last year, as we flew back to London for our 3 month scan – I began to miscarry as we were due to take off. I was taken off the plane and to the hospital where we were given the news that despite healthy scans just weeks before, complications had arisen and the heartbeat had stopped. Soon after, I was taken into the theatre to be operated on and what came after were some of the hardest times.
I was angry. I was angry for a long time. I was angry that my phone still rang, I was angry that emails still landed in my inbox. I was angry that I was alone in a room full of people. I was angry that nobody understood.
It took me many months to forgive my body. The nights I would cry, not a timid cry, a raging cry, head on the floor and through swollen eyes I would sob that my body was unable to hold the life we had created. I couldn’t understand why the world had moved on and left me behind. But that’s the thing, the world doesn’t stop when you do. Life keeps happening. What’s important is that you get up every day. What’s important is that you keep going, no matter how ugly that might look.
It is in times like these, in life’s darkest moments that we see there are few things more important in your world, than the people in it. The people you surround yourself with. The people who pick you up and the people who show up for you when you cannot show up for yourself. Remember that you are not alone. People may not understand the loss of a baby, but they do understand grief.
The road to healing is messy and bumpy as hell, till now there will be days where the grey clouds don’t pass me by and I sit in the rain – the kinda rain that hits you out of no where and you don’t have your umbrella. But you must continue to do the work, to move through it. Each time you commit, each time you chose to continue your healing work, those grey clouds and rainy days will pass you by a little quicker.
There is no happiness to be found in resentment, sadness or anger. We cannot live in the past. The only moment we have is the present.
I went back to therapy and sought a lot of help to get through the months that came after. There should be no shame in doing so. As time has gone I am able to see myself through kinder eyes. I am able to thank my body, for protecting me, for protecting a child that may not of made it in this world. I thank my body for knowing that the time was not right. I have made a promise to nourish it, to be softer with it. Our bodies want nothing else but to look after us and they are the very thing keeping us here.
I have learnt that time heals, I have learnt that time forgives and what an incredible blessing it is to be experiencing this life at all.
When you think that you are no longer in control, because something sacred has been taken from you, when you feel like you have no choice in the matter – I am here to tell you that you do. Choose love. There is always love.
It is in those darkest moments, where you feel like the world has let you down that you must choose love. You must choose love time and time again. You must get back up. You must show up and you must see the world for all that is good. When everything else has been stripped away, love remains.
Your life can really change at any moment. You have to love yourself enough to know that you can handle anything. You can shift you beliefs about any circumstance.
I know when our time comes, that our child may never know how hard we prayed for them. But they will be here. And they will be safe.
You don’t need to find yourself at rock bottom to start again. But sometimes we do. Either way and no matter what the situation, we can start over.
We can try again.
“Happiness can be found in the darkest of times, if one only remembers to turn on the light.” – JK ROWLING.